What Keeps Us From Having Deeper Friendships

You are viewing an old revision of this post, from January 21, 2015 @ 01:09:25. See below for differences between this version and the current revision.

A relevant article on pseudo-friendship (pun intended) I am archiving here in case the original website disappears:

What Keeps Us From Having Deeper Friendships

3 things sabotaging our need for genuine connection.

 

In an era where many of us have a million social media “friends,” but no one to hang out with on Friday night, deep friendships have become increasingly rare.

Our generation is kind of screwed up about friendship. I’m screwed up about friendship. We often have a hard time cultivating real, face to face friendships.

Why do we all feel this way? Here are three enemies that keep us from having deeper friendships:

Forming Ideal Lives on Our Social Media Feeds

We’ve accumulated an entire database of friends, retaining names and facts but omitting relationships and memories. “Hey, remember that one time we chatted on Facebook and shared the Google Image of that beach we both want to go to?” Yeah, neither do I.

The Internet has afforded each of us to live dazzling lives that aren’t ours. It leaves out the run-of-the-mill so we look like some sexy, adventure-seeking, friend-getting machines.

The Internet has afforded each of us to live dazzling lives that aren’t ours. One scroll through my Instagram will show you California, Oklahoma and Colorado—outdoors, mountains, weddings and playgrounds.

However, it won’t show you Netflix, lonely Friday nights, textbooks or that one night I spent sick in the bathroom three weeks ago. It leaves out the run-of-the-mill so we look like some sexy, adventure-seeking, friend-getting machines. We know the real story behind our own social media accounts, but somehow, we think everyone else’s life is more exciting than ours.

We are all mad scientists creating Frankenstein when it comes to social media modeling: the life we create turns its head, opens its eyes and becomes a monster. We start feeling down if we can’t find something worth posting on a daily basis.

On top of all of that, am I trying to be a cool, culturally aware Christian on social media just because I want more followers? After all, there’s nothing like being affirmed by a few hundred Twitter followers that I’m a good Christian. I tweet because I’m self-conscious.

Trying to Be Best Friends With Everyone

I grew up thinking that because I was a Christian, everyone had to be my best friend. I had to like everyone, and everyone had to like me and know my life story and be my accountability partner.

By the time I made it to college, I couldn’t do it anymore. My inner circle was as wide as the Pacific, and I didn’t have the relational energy to build a bridge across it.

I’ve since realized that Christians misrepresent friendship when they claim everyone is their friend. Jesus was not friends with everyone. Christ had His three, his 12, and His 5,000. He did not suffocate with FOMOOF (Fear Of Missing Out On Friendships). There were probably some great men and women in the crowd of 5,000 who sat eating the fish and loaves, but Jesus was purposeful about being with the 12.

Today there’s an extreme pressure to get to know everyone. We feel like we aren’t being fair to others if we grow deeper with one person and not another. We feel the need to spread ourselves out among 5,000 rather than with three.

I can only be friends with so many people, and I waste my time trying to be everything for everyone and end up being nothing for anyone, sitting alone watching Friends re-runs on a Friday night.

In order to understand how to have real friends, we must learn how to start small and remain intimate.

Using Technology as a Crutch

I can only be friends with so many people, and I waste my time trying to be everything for everyone and end up being nothing for anyone.

Before the invention of the air conditioner, families would spend hot summer nights sitting out on their porches and talking with the neighbors. Before the Internet, there was a sharing of communication through printed books and interviews (R.I.P. Borders). Before cell phones, there were landlines that only talked and didn’t text. Before GPS, there were maps and gas stations. And before Netflix, there was Blockbuster (R.I.P. again).

The modern world is becoming more and more efficient with work and less and less meaningful with human interactions.

No friendship is based on efficiency. Friendship is spending time with someone, intentionally setting aside time to look someone in the eye, to hear their voice and to watch their eyebrows furrow or cheeks get red.

It is not an efficient exercise; in fact, friendship necessitates inefficiency. It is days spent gazing at ocean waves rather than writing job applications, evenings spent drinking coffee with a friend rather than an essay, school nights spent watching sports or movies or playing games rather than studying or reading or sleeping. Jobs are practical. Getting good grades is practical. Networking is practical. Friendship is not.

If God were practical, I think He should have given up on me a long time ago. But He calls me His friend. And friendship is not easy, simple or practical.

Post Revisions:

Changes:

January 21, 2015 @ 01:09:25Current Revision
Content
Unchanged: A <a href="http:// www.relevantmagazine.com/ life/what-keeps-us-having- deeper-friendships">relevant article on pseudo-friendship</a> (pun intended) I am archiving here in case the original website disappears:Unchanged: A <a href="http:// www.relevantmagazine.com/ life/what-keeps-us-having- deeper-friendships">relevant article on pseudo-friendship</a> (pun intended) I am archiving here in case the original website disappears:
Unchanged: <blockquote>Unchanged: <blockquote>
Unchanged: <div class="titlebar">Unchanged: <div class="titlebar">
Unchanged: <div class="titlecont">Unchanged: <div class="titlecont">
Unchanged: <h2>What Keeps Us From Having Deeper Friendships</h2>Unchanged: <h2>What Keeps Us From Having Deeper Friendships</h2>
Unchanged: <div class="field field-name-field-subtitle field-type-text field-label-hidden subtitle ">Unchanged: <div class="field field-name-field-subtitle field-type-text field-label-hidden subtitle ">
Unchanged: <div class="field-items">Unchanged: <div class="field-items">
Unchanged: <div class="field-item even">3 things sabotaging our need for genuine connection.</div>Unchanged: <div class="field-item even">3 things sabotaging our need for genuine connection.</div>
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: <div class="submitted">Unchanged: <div class="submitted">
Deleted: <p class="created"></p> 
Unchanged: <p class="date">Drew Brown is probably at a coffee shop drinking espresso and daydreaming right now. He likes to write about God, life and how fun and amazingly difficult it is to be human. Read more at <a href="https:/ /dbreown.wordpress.com/" target="_blank" >dbreown.wordpress.com</a>. Find him on twitter <a href="https:/ /twitter.com/dbreown" target="_blank" >@dbreown</a></p>Unchanged: <p class="date">Drew Brown is probably at a coffee shop drinking espresso and daydreaming right now. He likes to write about God, life and how fun and amazingly difficult it is to be human. Read more at <a href="https:/ /dbreown.wordpress.com/" target="_blank" >dbreown.wordpress.com</a>. Find him on twitter <a href="https:/ /twitter.com/dbreown" target="_blank" >@dbreown</a></p>
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: <div class="field field-name-body field-type-text- with-summary field-label-hidden ">Unchanged: <div class="field field-name-body field-type-text- with-summary field-label-hidden ">
Unchanged: <div class="field-items">Unchanged: <div class="field-items">
Unchanged: <div class="field-item even">Unchanged: <div class="field-item even">
Unchanged: <div class="piece">Unchanged: <div class="piece">
Unchanged: &nbsp;Unchanged: &nbsp;
Unchanged: <span class="firstletter">I</span>n an era where many of us have a million social media “friends,” but no one to hang out with on Friday night, deep friendships have become increasingly rare.Unchanged: <span class="firstletter">I</span>n an era where many of us have a million social media “friends,” but no one to hang out with on Friday night, deep friendships have become increasingly rare.
Unchanged: Our generation is kind of screwed up about friendship. I’m screwed up about friendship. We often have a hard time cultivating real, face to face friendships.Unchanged: Our generation is kind of screwed up about friendship. I’m screwed up about friendship. We often have a hard time cultivating real, face to face friendships.
Unchanged: Why do we all feel this way? Here are three enemies that keep us from having deeper friendships:Unchanged: Why do we all feel this way? Here are three enemies that keep us from having deeper friendships:
Unchanged: <h3>Forming Ideal Lives on Our Social Media Feeds</h3>Unchanged: <h3>Forming Ideal Lives on Our Social Media Feeds</h3>
Unchanged: We’ve accumulated an entire database of friends, retaining names and facts but omitting relationships and memories. “Hey, remember that one time we chatted on Facebook and shared the Google Image of that beach we both want to go to?” Yeah, neither do I.Unchanged: We’ve accumulated an entire database of friends, retaining names and facts but omitting relationships and memories. “Hey, remember that one time we chatted on Facebook and shared the Google Image of that beach we both want to go to?” Yeah, neither do I.
Unchanged: <div class="field field-name-field-pullquote field-type-text-long field-label-hidden pullquote ">Unchanged: <div class="field field-name-field-pullquote field-type-text-long field-label-hidden pullquote ">
Unchanged: <div class="field-items">Unchanged: <div class="field-items">
Unchanged: <div class="field-item even">Unchanged: <div class="field-item even">
Unchanged: The Internet has afforded each of us to live dazzling lives that aren’t ours. It leaves out the run-of-the-mill so we look like some sexy, adventure-seeking, friend-getting machines.Unchanged: The Internet has afforded each of us to live dazzling lives that aren’t ours. It leaves out the run-of-the-mill so we look like some sexy, adventure-seeking, friend-getting machines.
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: The Internet has afforded each of us to live dazzling lives that aren’t ours. One scroll through my Instagram will show you California, Oklahoma and Colorado—outdoors, mountains, weddings and playgrounds.Unchanged: The Internet has afforded each of us to live dazzling lives that aren’t ours. One scroll through my Instagram will show you California, Oklahoma and Colorado—outdoors, mountains, weddings and playgrounds.
Unchanged: However, it won’t show you Netflix, lonely Friday nights, textbooks or that one night I spent sick in the bathroom three weeks ago. It leaves out the run-of-the-mill so we look like some sexy, adventure-seeking, friend-getting machines. We know the real story behind our own social media accounts, but somehow, we think everyone else's life is more exciting than ours.Unchanged: However, it won’t show you Netflix, lonely Friday nights, textbooks or that one night I spent sick in the bathroom three weeks ago. It leaves out the run-of-the-mill so we look like some sexy, adventure-seeking, friend-getting machines. We know the real story behind our own social media accounts, but somehow, we think everyone else's life is more exciting than ours.
Unchanged: We are all mad scientists creating Frankenstein when it comes to social media modeling: the life we create turns its head, opens its eyes and becomes a monster. We start feeling down if we can’t find something worth posting on a daily basis.Unchanged: We are all mad scientists creating Frankenstein when it comes to social media modeling: the life we create turns its head, opens its eyes and becomes a monster. We start feeling down if we can’t find something worth posting on a daily basis.
Unchanged: On top of all of that, am I trying to be a cool, culturally aware Christian on social media just because I want more followers? After all, there’s nothing like being affirmed by a few hundred Twitter followers that I’m a good Christian. I tweet because I’m self-conscious.Unchanged: On top of all of that, am I trying to be a cool, culturally aware Christian on social media just because I want more followers? After all, there’s nothing like being affirmed by a few hundred Twitter followers that I’m a good Christian. I tweet because I’m self-conscious.
Unchanged: <h3>Trying to Be Best Friends With Everyone</h3>Unchanged: <h3>Trying to Be Best Friends With Everyone</h3>
Unchanged: I grew up thinking that because I was a Christian, everyone had to be my best friend. I had to like everyone, and everyone had to like me and know my life story and be my accountability partner.Unchanged: I grew up thinking that because I was a Christian, everyone had to be my best friend. I had to like everyone, and everyone had to like me and know my life story and be my accountability partner.
Unchanged: By the time I made it to college, I couldn’t do it anymore. My inner circle was as wide as the Pacific, and I didn’t have the relational energy to build a bridge across it.Unchanged: By the time I made it to college, I couldn’t do it anymore. My inner circle was as wide as the Pacific, and I didn’t have the relational energy to build a bridge across it.
Unchanged: I’ve since realized that Christians misrepresent friendship when they claim everyone is their friend. Jesus was not friends with everyone. Christ had His three, his 12, and His 5,000. He did not suffocate with FOMOOF (Fear Of Missing Out On Friendships). There were probably some great men and women in the crowd of 5,000 who sat eating the fish and loaves, but Jesus was purposeful about being with the 12.Unchanged: I’ve since realized that Christians misrepresent friendship when they claim everyone is their friend. Jesus was not friends with everyone. Christ had His three, his 12, and His 5,000. He did not suffocate with FOMOOF (Fear Of Missing Out On Friendships). There were probably some great men and women in the crowd of 5,000 who sat eating the fish and loaves, but Jesus was purposeful about being with the 12.
Unchanged: Today there’s an extreme pressure to get to know everyone. We feel like we aren’t being fair to others if we grow deeper with one person and not another. We feel the need to spread ourselves out among 5,000 rather than with three.Unchanged: Today there’s an extreme pressure to get to know everyone. We feel like we aren’t being fair to others if we grow deeper with one person and not another. We feel the need to spread ourselves out among 5,000 rather than with three.
Unchanged: I can only be friends with so many people, and I waste my time trying to be everything for everyone and end up being nothing for anyone, sitting alone watching <em>Friends</em> re-runs on a Friday night.Unchanged: I can only be friends with so many people, and I waste my time trying to be everything for everyone and end up being nothing for anyone, sitting alone watching <em>Friends</em> re-runs on a Friday night.
Unchanged: In order to understand how to have real friends, we must learn how to start small and remain intimate.Unchanged: In order to understand how to have real friends, we must learn how to start small and remain intimate.
Unchanged: <h3>Using Technology as a Crutch</h3>Unchanged: <h3>Using Technology as a Crutch</h3>
Unchanged: <div class="field field-name-field-pullquote field-type-text-long field-label-hidden pullquote ">Unchanged: <div class="field field-name-field-pullquote field-type-text-long field-label-hidden pullquote ">
Unchanged: <div class="field-items">Unchanged: <div class="field-items">
Unchanged: <div class="field-item odd">Unchanged: <div class="field-item odd">
Unchanged: I can only be friends with so many people, and I waste my time trying to be everything for everyone and end up being nothing for anyone.Unchanged: I can only be friends with so many people, and I waste my time trying to be everything for everyone and end up being nothing for anyone.
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: Before the invention of the air conditioner, families would spend hot summer nights sitting out on their porches and talking with the neighbors. Before the Internet, there was a sharing of communication through printed books and interviews (R.I.P. Borders). Before cell phones, there were landlines that only talked and didn’t text. Before GPS, there were maps and gas stations. And before Netflix, there was Blockbuster (R.I.P. again).Unchanged: Before the invention of the air conditioner, families would spend hot summer nights sitting out on their porches and talking with the neighbors. Before the Internet, there was a sharing of communication through printed books and interviews (R.I.P. Borders). Before cell phones, there were landlines that only talked and didn’t text. Before GPS, there were maps and gas stations. And before Netflix, there was Blockbuster (R.I.P. again).
Unchanged: The modern world is becoming more and more efficient with work and less and less meaningful with human interactions.Unchanged: The modern world is becoming more and more efficient with work and less and less meaningful with human interactions.
Unchanged: No friendship is based on efficiency. Friendship is spending time with someone, intentionally setting aside time to look someone in the eye, to hear their voice and to watch their eyebrows furrow or cheeks get red.Unchanged: No friendship is based on efficiency. Friendship is spending time with someone, intentionally setting aside time to look someone in the eye, to hear their voice and to watch their eyebrows furrow or cheeks get red.
Unchanged: It is not an efficient exercise; in fact, friendship <em>necessitates</em> inefficiency. It is days spent gazing at ocean waves rather than writing job applications, evenings spent drinking coffee with a friend rather than an essay, school nights spent watching sports or movies or playing games rather than studying or reading or sleeping. Jobs are practical. Getting good grades is practical. Networking is practical. Friendship is not.Unchanged: It is not an efficient exercise; in fact, friendship <em>necessitates</em> inefficiency. It is days spent gazing at ocean waves rather than writing job applications, evenings spent drinking coffee with a friend rather than an essay, school nights spent watching sports or movies or playing games rather than studying or reading or sleeping. Jobs are practical. Getting good grades is practical. Networking is practical. Friendship is not.
Unchanged: If God were practical, I think He should have given up on me a long time ago. But He calls me His friend. And friendship is not easy, simple or practical.Unchanged: If God were practical, I think He should have given up on me a long time ago. But He calls me His friend. And friendship is not easy, simple or practical.
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: </div>Unchanged: </div>
Unchanged: </div></blockquote>Unchanged: </div></blockquote>

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