Time, Treasure, Talent (Revision 14)

See the life manual for more context. Our time, treasure, and talent should be about giving life i.e. creating memories and building relationships with God and others.

Resources to create memories and building relationships with God and others (This is woefully scarce; I have many more resources yet to organize here; come back later for more):

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Communication Notes

10 Commandments of Clean communication:

Loving relationships are the most important factor in a man’s happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life.

And one of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships is communication.

Unfortunately, how to communicate with one’s significant other in a healthy, positive way is something rarely taught to either men or women. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into heated, unproductive arguments that ultimately damage their relationship. Angry fighting leads to distance and weakens intimacy. Yelling, sarcasm, insults, and name-calling undermine trust. This kind of pejorative communication creates defensiveness and alienation, which makes it nearly impossible for a couple to address their issues together. What starts as a conversation escalates into a fight in which the original issue gets forgotten, you lose track of what you’re even yelling about, and nothing gets resolved.

In contrast, couples who know how to discuss their disagreements in a healthy way are able to nip problems in the bud before they turn into big, relationship-ending issues. The key to this kind of positive interaction is what the authors of Couple Skills call “clean communication.” Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg (hereafter referred to as MFP) define clean communication as “taking responsibility for the impact of what you say.” By being more intentional about their communication techniques and leaving out rhetoric that wounds one’s partner and creates defensiveness, a couple creates a safe place in which to honestly and respectfully work through their differences.

What are the principles of clean communication? MFP lay out 10 “commandments” to follow when you’re talking with your significant other. While the focus of this post is communication in a romantic relationship, much of this also applies to personal interactions in all areas of your life.

The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication

1. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms.

  • “You’re acting so childish right now.”
  • “Oh boo-hoo. I’m tired of your perpetual ‘poor me’ attitude.”
  • “Maybe if you were more of a man, you’d be able to handle this.”
  • “You’d probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it.”

When you’re having a heated argument with your significant other, it can be very tempting to level a real zinger at them – to use words and putdowns you know will wound them and push their buttons. Such zingers aim to point our their flaws and tear down their worth. They accomplish this mission – but at the expense of trust and intimacy.

2. Avoid “global” labels.

There are two ways to criticize someone – you can critique their character or their behavior. In criticizing behavior, you’re calling out something specific and temporary – something the person can realistically change. But in assailing someone’s very identity, you’re issuing a global label – a blanket condemnation of who they are at the core; they don’t just do bad stuff, they are a bad person.

Global labels can feel highly satisfying to hurl at someone when you’re angry and can seem completely justifiable at the time. In writing the person off as incorrigible, you also essentially absolve yourself of any responsibility for your issues as a couple: “We wouldn’t have this problem if you weren’t so selfish.”

But blanket condemnations of your partner’s character are anathema to a loving relationship. They will make her feel hurt and defensive, greatly hindering any chance of communication. Global labels also make your partner feel helpless – if the problem is rooted in their very identity/personality, changing will seem impossible to them. They’re liable to answer: “I’m sorry, but this is the way I am!” Thus, in using global labels you wash your hands of any responsibility for the problem, while at the same time, your partner will feel unable and unwilling to do anything about it either…not a recipe for effective conflict resolution!

Here are some examples of global labels, and how they could be better rendered as specific critiques of behavior instead of character:

  • “You’re so self-centered and only care about yourself.” → “In forgetting my birthday, I felt like you didn’t think about my feelings.”
  • “You’re such a bitch.”→ “Questioning my masculinity is a low-blow. I’d like to try to talk to you without the name-calling.”
  • “You’re always so helpless.” → “I know you’re having trouble figuring out how to download that app, but right now I need to finish this paper. If you still can’t get it, I promise to help you tonight.”

3. Avoid “you” messages of blame and accusation.

As MFP put it, “the essence of a ‘you’ message is simply this: ‘I’m in pain and you did it to me.’ And there’s usually this subtext: ‘You were bad and wrong for doing it to me.’” When people slight us, it may be true that they are entirely, or almost entirely, to blame. But when you lead with that blame, the instigator will instantly erect walls of defensiveness that will make working through the issue together impossible. This doesn’t mean you have to pretend your significant other is not at fault when they are, it just means you use language that says the same thing in a different way – couching your message so that it actually has a chance to surmount their psychological walls and reach their brain.

To do this, you want to swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize “I” – how you feel when your partner does certain things. Here are some examples:

  • “You always leave the house such a mess.” → “When the house is so cluttered I end up feeling stressed out.”
  • “Your moodiness is ruining our relationship.” → “When I can’t predict your moods, I’m not sure how to approach you, and I feel like that’s eroding the intimacy in our relationship.”
  • “You’re always late and it’s driving me crazy.” → “I feel embarrassed when we arrive late to events.”

 4. Avoid old history.

  • “You’re just being ungrateful like always. Remember when I spent all weekend cleaning the house before your folks arrived and you never even said thank you?”
  • “You don’t trust me? At least I’m not the one who cheated last year.”
  • “It’s always the same damned thing with you. You’re sorry about spending too much on the couch, just like you were sorry for going over budget on the kitchen remodel, and sorry for spending so much on the dress for our wedding…”

When you’re addressing a certain problem, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud, or engaging in what my friend calls “closet-fighting” — i.e., reaching back into the closet of your past for old grievances to buttress your current accusations. When we closet-fight, MFP write, “The message is: ‘You’re bad, you’re bad, you’re bad. You’ve always had this flaw, and it’s not getting any better.’” While talking about your history together may be useful when you’re both calm, MFP recommend sticking to the present when things are heated, as “anger turns references to the past into a club rather than a source of enlightenment.”

Resurrecting old beefs will ratchet up the intensity of your discussion, and will invariably send it off in a different direction and away from resolving the original issue. Plus, your partner will likely be hurt that you’re still holding onto something she thought you’d forgiven her for, and you both will feel like your relationship isn’t progressing. It’s hard to move forward if you keep rehashing the past; instead, let sleeping dogs lie.

5. Avoid negative comparisons.

  • “You’re so irrational, just like your mom.”
  • “None of my exes were ever as clingy as you are.”
  • “Why can’t you be more fun like Derek’s girlfriend is?”

Being compared negatively to someone else sure can sting. We oftentimes want to think we’ve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear “you’re just like your dad” feels like a punch to the gut. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we don’t stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. Making negative comparisons also tells your partner that you’ve been thinking about someone else, and how that other person measures up to her, which can provoke hurt feelings and jealously.

6. Avoid threats.

  • “If you’re going to act like that, then I’m not going with you to your parents’ house this weekend.”
  • “If you can’t get your act together, then maybe we should get a divorce.”
  • “If you don’t want to be more adventurous in bed, I can find plenty of other women who are willing to be.”

MFP write that “the basic message of a threat is: you’re bad and I’m going to punish you.” It’s a way of trying to compel desired behavior, but since it shuts down the whole discussion, even if it works in the short term, the underlying issue will remain unresolved. If your partner complies, she’ll only be doing it to avoid the consequences of your threat, and if she doesn’t, the argument is going to escalate and/or keep reoccurring.

There is a place for quasi-ultimatums in a relationship, but they come after you’ve completely exhausted every attempt to communicate and compromise about the problem in a positive way. Too often people resort to a threat as an easy way to resolve things, and will even drop the D word to scare their spouse into compliance.

An “or else” statement shouldn’t be thrown around, and it shouldn’t be punitive. That is, if your partner is unwilling to meet your needs, create a plan to meet those needs yourself, but don’t do so in a way that’s specifically designed to punish your partner. So for example, if you want to spend more time with friends, but your significant other won’t budge on giving her blessing, you might say, “I’m going to start spending every Saturday morning with them,” and then follow through on that action. A punitive ultimatum, on the other hand, would be something like deciding to skip out on a concert you agreed to attend with her, in order to do something with your buddies.

Your partner may come to accept the implementation of your ultimatum or it may drive a wedge in your relationship. If the latter, it may spell the end; clean communication offers the best possible chance of relationship success, but doesn’t guarantee it if you just aren’t right for each other.

7. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them.

Your demeanor can truly be wielded like a weapon. When we raise our voice, withdraw into cold hostility, adopt a sneering tone, or employ biting sarcasm, we can wound those we love. Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. Instead, do your best to keep your voice level and calm.

As you discuss what’s bothering you, describe your emotions as specifically as possible. “In so doing,” MFP write, “your partner can hear what you’re feeling without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by it.” Here are some examples:

  • “I feel disrespected when you make jokes at my expense when we’re out with your friends.”
  • “I feel jealous when I see you texting your ex.”
  • “I feel hurt when you ignore me when I come home from work.”

8. Keep body language open and receptive.

Even more than what we say, our body language conveys how we’re actually feeling. You may tell your significant other that you’re not angry and are willing to talk things through, but if your posture and facial expressions say otherwise, they will assuredly pick up on it. They’ll also likely match your defensive stance, and the discussion will get off to a rocky start.

To keep things amicable, adopt an open, rather than closed posture. Folding your arms, tensing your jaw, squinting, looking disgusted, balling up your fists, fidgeting in an irritated way, and rolling your eyes are all behaviors that make you seem closed off, hostile, and unwilling to communicate. Create sincere, inviting body language by relaxing your face, making warm eye contact, leaning forward, keeping your arms uncrossed, and nodding to show you’re listening.

9. Use whole messages.

Oftentimes, you may think you’re getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. They hear something much different than you intended. What we say makes total sense to us, because we have the entire context of it in our heads. But what actually comes out of our mouths may only be a slice of that bigger picture – a partial fragment that is then misconstrued by our partner.

To avoid this, strive to deliver “whole messages” when speaking with your significant other. Whole messages consist of 4 parts:

  • Observations: “Observations are statements of fact that are neutral, without judgments or inferences,” write MFP. “The house is a mess,” vs. “I’ve noticed you’re a slob.”
  • Thoughts: MFP describe this component as “your beliefs, opinions, theories, and interpretations of a situation. Thoughts are not conveyed as absolute truth but as your personal hypothesis or understanding of a situation. ‘My idea was…I wondered if…I suspected that…I worried that…The way I saw it was…’”
  • Feelings: Describe your feelings in a specific way that doesn’t blame your partner. “I’m concerned about our budget,” vs. “Your spending is out of control and really stressing me out.”
  • Needs/Wants: Too often we expect our partner to be mind readers, but as MFP note, “No one can know what you want unless you tell them.” For an in-depth guide to expressing your needs in a relationship, check out this post.

Here’s an example of a whole message:

“We haven’t been spending as much time together [Observation]. It seems like you’ve been busier, and I don’t know if that’s just because your classes are hard this semester or you just haven’t been as interested in hanging out [Thoughts]. I’ve been feeling distant from you and confused about the status of our relationship [Feelings]. I’d like for us to be more committed as a couple and to know what you think about the future of our relationship [Needs].”

10. Use clear messages.

Just as a partial message can be misconstrued, so too can a “contaminated” message. This occurs when you mix some of the 4 elements together or “mislabel” them in order to disguise your real intent. Your partner might say, “Hmmm, that’s an interesting way to do it,” when they really mean, “You’re doing it wrong.” Or for example, you might say to your wife, “And here you are finally, late as usual.” You’re pretending to make a straightforward observation, but you’re really mixing in your judgments, thoughts, and feelings. It would be better to say, “I’ve been waiting here for 20 minutes. It seems like you struggle to be on time. When I’m left waiting I end up feeling frustrated and disrespected. Do you think you could make more of an effort to be on time?”

MFP note that one “effective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question”:

  • “Why didn’t you take out the trash last night?”
  • “Is there a reason all the dishes have been left in the sink?”
  • “Why don’t you take our finances more seriously?
  • “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

The questioner adopts the posture of soliciting information from their partner, but they already know the answer and their feelings about it; they’re really just making an accusation and showing their disapproval for their partner’s choice. To be honest, it seems like women do this more than men (sorry ladies), perhaps because they’re often less comfortable being assertive.

Muddy messages create distance and contention in a relationship. Your partner either will not be sure what you’re driving at, or will take umbrage at your not simply saying what you mean. Give it to ‘em straight, and give it to ‘em cleanly.

________________________

Source:

Couple Skills by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. This was definitely the best in the bunch. It’s written by men (one of which runs a men’s support group) and includes lots of concrete, useful, practical tips. 

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Courage and Magnanimity

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.” Theodore Roosevelt

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Meaningfulness matters more than Happiness

As a Christian, I found this article about a Jewish Holocaust survivor enlightening; while the article didn’t really speak of suffering specifically, I think it is pretty applicable:

A Psychiatrist Who Survived The Holocaust Explains Why Meaningfulness Matters More Than Happiness

“It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness.”

In September 1942, Viktor Frankl, a prominent Jewish psychiatrist and neurologist in Vienna, was arrested and transported to a Nazi concentration camp with his wife and parents.

Three years later, when his camp was liberated, most of his family, including his pregnant wife, had perished — but he, prisoner number 119104, had lived. In his bestselling 1946 book, Man’s Search for Meaning, which he wrote in nine days about his experiences in the camps, Frankl concluded that the difference between those who had lived and those who had died came down to one thing: Meaning, an insight he came to early in life. When he was a high school student, one of his science teachers declared to the class, “Life is nothing more than a combustion process, a process of oxidation.” Frankl jumped out of his chair and responded, “Sir, if this is so, then what can be the meaning of life?”

As he saw in the camps, those who found meaning even in the most horrendous circumstances were far more resilient to suffering than those who did not. “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing,” Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, “the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Frankl worked as a therapist in the camps, and in his book, he gives the example of two suicidal inmates he encountered there. Like many others in the camps, these two men were hopeless and thought that there was nothing more to expect from life, nothing to live for. “In both cases,” Frankl writes, “it was a question of getting them to realize that life was still expecting something from them; something in the future was expected of them.” For one man, it was his young child, who was then living in a foreign country. For the other, a scientist, it was a series of books that he needed to finish. Frankl writes:

This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love. When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude. A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears toward a human being who affectionately waits for him, or to an unfinished work, will never be able to throw away his life. He knows the “why” for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any “how.”

In 1991, the Library of Congress and Book-of-the-Month Club listed Man’s Search for Meaning as one of the 10 most influential books in the United States. It has sold millions of copies worldwide. Now, over twenty years later, the book’s ethos — its emphasis on meaning, the value of suffering, and responsibility to something greater than the self — seems to be at odds with our culture, which is more interested in the pursuit of individual happiness than in the search for meaning. “To the European,” Frankl wrote, “it is a characteristic of the American culture that, again and again, one is commanded and ordered to ‘be happy.’ But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to ‘be happy.'”

girls dancing shadow silhouette happyFlickr/Christian HaughenEven though American happiness levels are at a four-year high, 4 out of 10 Americans have not discovered a satisfying life purpose.

According to Gallup, the happiness levels of Americans are at a four-year high — as is, it seems, the number of best-selling books with the word “happiness” in their titles. At this writing, Gallup also reports that nearly 60 percent all Americans today feel happy, without a lot of stress or worry. On the other hand, according to the Center for Disease Control, about 4 out of 10 Americans have not discovered a satisfying life purpose. Forty percent either do not think their lives have a clear sense of purpose or are neutral about whether their lives have purpose. Nearly a quarter of Americans feel neutral or do not have a strong sense of what makes their lives meaningful. Research has shown that having purpose and meaning in life increases overall well-being and life satisfaction, improves mental and physical health, enhances resiliency, enhances self-esteem, and decreases the chances of depression. On top of that, the single-minded pursuit of happiness is ironically leaving people less happy, according to recent research. “It is the very pursuit of happiness,” Frankl knew, “that thwarts happiness.”

***

This is why some researchers are cautioning against the pursuit of mere happiness. In a new study, which will be published this year in a forthcoming issue of the Journal of Positive Psychology, psychological scientists asked nearly 400 Americans aged 18 to 78 whether they thought their lives were meaningful and/or happy. Examining their self-reported attitudes toward meaning, happiness, and many other variables — like stress levels, spending patterns, and having children — over a month-long period, the researchers found that a meaningful life and happy life overlap in certain ways, but are ultimately very different. Leading a happy life, the psychologists found, is associated with being a “taker” while leading a meaningful life corresponds with being a “giver.”

“Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life, in which things go well, needs and desire are easily satisfied, and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided,” the authors write.

How do the happy life and the meaningful life differ? Happiness, they found, is about feeling good. Specifically, the researchers found that people who are happy tend to think that life is easy, they are in good physical health, and they are able to buy the things that they need and want. While not having enough money decreases how happy and meaningful you consider your life to be, it has a much greater impact on happiness. The happy life is also defined by a lack of stress or worry.

Most importantly from a social perspective, the pursuit of happiness is associated with selfish behavior—being, as mentioned, a “taker” rather than a “giver.”

The pursuit of happiness is associated with selfish behavior—being, as mentioned, a “taker” rather than a “giver.”

The psychologists give an evolutionary explanation for this: happiness is about drive reduction. If you have a need or a desire — like hunger — you satisfy it, and that makes you happy. People become happy, in other words, when they get what they want. Humans, then, are not the only ones who can feel happy. Animals have needs and drives, too, and when those drives are satisfied, animals also feel happy, the researchers point out.

“Happy people get a lot of joy from receiving benefits from others while people leading meaningful lives get a lot of joy from giving to others,” explained Kathleen Vohs, one of the authors of the study, in a recent presentation at the University of Pennsylvania. In other words, meaning transcends the self while happiness is all about giving the self what it wants. People who have high meaning in their lives are more likely to help others in need. “If anything, pure happiness is linked to not helping others in need,” the researchers, which include Stanford University’s Jennifer Aaker and Emily Garbinsky, write.

What sets human beings apart from animals is not the pursuit of happiness, which occurs all across the natural world, but the pursuit of meaning, which is unique to humans, according to Roy Baumeister, the lead researcher of the study and author, with John Tierney, of the recent book Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength. Baumeister, a social psychologists at Florida State University, was named an ISI highly cited scientific researcher in 2003.

The study participants reported deriving meaning from giving a part of themselves away to others and making a sacrifice on behalf of the overall group. In the words of Martin E. P. Seligman, one of the leading psychological scientists alive today, in the meaningful life “you use your highest strengths and talents to belong to and serve something you believe is larger than the self.” For instance, having more meaning in one’s life was associated with activities like buying presents for others, taking care of kids, and arguing. People whose lives have high levels of meaning often actively seek meaning out even when they know it will come at the expense of happiness. Because they have invested themselves in something bigger than themselves, they also worry more and have higher levels of stress and anxiety in their lives than happy people. Having children, for example, is associated with the meaningful life and requires self-sacrifice, but it has been famously associated with low happiness among parents, including the ones in this study. In fact, according to Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert, research shows that parents are less happy interacting with their children than they are exercising, eating, and watching television.

“Partly what we do as human beings is to take care of others and contribute to others. This makes life meaningful but it does not necessarily make us happy,” Baumeister told me in an interview.

Meaning is not only about transcending the self, but also about transcending the present moment — which is perhaps the most important finding of the study, according to the researchers. While happiness is an emotion felt in the here and now, it ultimately fades away, just as all emotions do; positive affect and feelings of pleasure are fleeting. The amount of time people report feeling good or bad correlates with happiness but not at all with meaning.

Meaning, on the other hand, is enduring. It connects the past to the present to the future. “Thinking beyond the present moment, into the past or future, was a sign of the relatively meaningful but unhappy life,” the researchers write. “Happiness is not generally found in contemplating the past or future.” That is, people who thought more about the present were happier, but people who spent more time thinking about the future or about past struggles and sufferings felt more meaning in their lives, though they were less happy.

Having negative events happen to you, the study found, decreases your happiness but increases the amount of meaning you have in life.

Having negative events happen to you, the study found, decreases your happiness but increases the amount of meaning you have in life.

Another study from 2011 confirmed this, finding that people who have meaning in their lives, in the form of a clearly defined purpose, rate their satisfaction with life higher even when they were feeling bad than those who did not have a clearly defined purpose. “If there is meaning in life at all,” Frankl wrote, “then there must be meaning in suffering.”

***

Which brings us back to Frankl’s life and, specifically, a decisive experience he had before he was sent to the concentration camps. It was an incident that emphasizes the difference between the pursuit of meaning and the pursuit of happiness in life.

In his early adulthood, before he and his family were taken away to the camps, Frankl had established himself as one of the leading psychiatrists in Vienna and the world. As a 16-year-old boy, for example, he struck up a correspondence with Sigmund Freud and one day sent Freud a two-page paper he had written. Freud, impressed by Frankl’s talent, sent the paper to the International Journal of Psychoanalysis for publication. “I hope you don’t object,” Freud wrote the teenager.

While he was in medical school, Frankl distinguished himself even further. Not only did he establish suicide-prevention centers for teenagers — a precursor to his work in the camps — but he was also developing his signature contribution to the field of clinical psychology: logotherapy, which is meant to help people overcome depression and achieve well-being by finding their unique meaning in life. By 1941, his theories had received international attention and he was working as the chief of neurology at Vienna’s Rothschild Hospital, where he risked his life and career by making false diagnoses of mentally ill patients so that they would not, per Nazi orders, be euthanized.

That was the same year when he had a decision to make, a decision that would change his life. With his career on the rise and the threat of the Nazis looming over him, Frankl had applied for a visa to America, which he was granted in 1941. By then, the Nazis had already started rounding up the Jews and taking them away to concentration camps, focusing on the elderly first. Frankl knew that it would only be time before the Nazis came to take his parents away. He also knew that once they did, he had a responsibility to be there with his parents to help them through the trauma of adjusting to camp life. On the other hand, as a newly married man with his visa in hand, he was tempted to leave for America and flee to safety, where he could distinguish himself even further in his field.

As Anna S. Redsand recounts in her biography of Frankl, he was at a loss for what to do, so he set out for St. Stephan’s Cathedral in Vienna to clear his head. Listening to the organ music, he repeatedly asked himself, “Should I leave my parents behind?… Should I say goodbye and leave them to their fate?” Where did his responsibility lie? He was looking for a “hint from heaven.”

When he returned home, he found it. A piece of marble was lying on the table. His father explained that it was from the rubble of one of the nearby synagogues that the Nazis had destroyed. The marble contained the fragment of one of the Ten Commandments — the one about honoring your father and your mother. With that, Frankl decided to stay in Vienna and forgo whatever opportunities for safety and career advancement awaited him in the United States. He decided to put aside his individual pursuits to serve his family and, later, other inmates in the camps.

The wisdom that Frankl derived from his experiences there, in the middle of unimaginable human suffering, is just as relevant now as it was then: “Being human always points, and is directed, to something or someone, other than oneself — be it a meaning to fulfill or another human being to encounter. The more one forgets himself — by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love — the more human he is.”

Baumeister and his colleagues would agree that the pursuit of meaning is what makes human beings uniquely human. By putting aside our selfish interests to serve someone or something larger than ourselves — by devoting our lives to “giving” rather than “taking” — we are not only expressing our fundamental humanity, but are also acknowledging that that there is more to the good life than the pursuit of simple happiness.

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Hypocrisy

Examples of Hypocrisy:

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Competent people don’t think they are very competent

I’ve learned that the more one knows something it seems the more they know they don’t know much.

Rather than suffer from the the Dunning-Kruger effect, I’d like to assume I don’t know much, that I may have a beginner’s mind, such that I can be open to all the data being presented to discover the truth. Understanding other viewpoints only strengthen my own viewpoint if my viewpoint is valid in the first place.  I see no purpose in a conversation or debate if the object of the discussion is not about finding the truth i.e. what is valid, what is real. I believe it is one aspect of being humble as humility is about what is true – supernaturally, we are all created in the image of God, each of us has something to contribute as we are unique reflections of God, and before God [who is bigger than the universe], we really don’t know much and the learning process never ends.

If you’re incompetent, you can’t know you’re incompetent. […] the skills you need to produce a right answer are exactly the skills you need to recognize what a right answer is.

—David Dunning[7]

This is why when I am certain I will use the word “is” while when I use the word “seems” it is my postulation and an invitation for feedback while I am in the process of learning.

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On Relationships (Revision 17)

It’s hard for me to imagine I could write authoritatively on the subject of relationships, as there is a lot for me to learn, though I’ll start compiling a list of notes and develop it as my own from there. The initial skeleton of notes came from Jackie Francois years ago at one of her talks, yet the majority of the content here now is from my own experiences and from my own learning.

Relationships

Discerning God’s will is not a dichotomy of choosing either marriage or religious life. Dying to me means choosing to surrender to God not once but repeatedly, every day. Discerning to me means dying and sacrificing in Love, carrying our cross, awaiting with the Holy Spirit to see if it produces any fruit – not just in choosing our vocation, but in every decision in our life. Sometimes this means just being content right now that we are growing in love and not needing to pursue anything but the love and honor of God, giving unreservedly all.

How does discerning God’s will relate to relationships? Each relationship e.g. friendship does not have to be some soul-wrenching experience, simply enjoying the presence of another and having fun is sufficient for friendship. I’m referring to relationships in the context of prospective marriage. Obviously (or not), one has to know oneself and have done at least some serious discernment to know their vocation to enter into a commitment, a relationship with another. Human beings [on a certain level] are mysteries, there isn’t an exact science to relationships (and this is a good thing that people are mysteries, that our relationships can grow on an infinite scale). At the same time there are certain immutable truths to help us navigate the amazingly complex world of relationships between men and women. It seems absurd to believe that the creation of the universe to be without purpose and when we look at this in the context of marriage we see that when we understand the purpose of marriage, many complexities in relationships are dispelled.

God created marriage. The Goal is Heaven. Each other should bring each other to heaven:

  • St Thomas (I’m paraphrasing) says to love is to want the best good for the beloved. Upon some meditation we realize that the best good is God (love is in the will)
  • Each person should be leading each other to God:
    • Marriage is not the ultimate satisfaction of your deepest desires
    • In a marriage, one should not be a pseudo parent to the spouse otherwise there would not be a real husband-wife relationship
    • Your sole source of happiness cannot be in marriage, in this sense you can not find happiness in marriage, if the marriage is working, you can only be happier (you have to take responsibility of your own happiness)
  • God created sex; it is good! Sex is holy!
    • Sex should be celebrating intimacy (in-to-me-see, seeing, truly knowing the soul of the beloved) and its purpose is to bring the miracle of children into the world, to raise them up to be healthy, independent, adults, baptized in Love i.e. in God to be who God created them to be, gifts to the world
    • Sex in marriage is supposed to be an image of heaven, a foretaste of heaven
    • Sex is the renewal of the marriage vows, and marriage should be an example of God’s love in the world:
      • a free love (one made by deliberate choice e.g. not forced nor through co-dependency)
      • a total love (not promiscuous, uncommitted relationships, exclusive)
      • a faithful love (loyal, constant, and with faith, supernatural love)
      • a fruitful love (one that through intensity, births life)
    • Chastity does not take away from sex (it is not abstinence), it is the power to love:
      • As part of being a free love, one has command over his passions, such that he can give love as a gift (as a free person not enslaved; true freedom is choosing what is right, not being enslaved to sin)
      • Having command over the passions, one can truly give a free, total, faithful, fruitful love
      • Chastity is about purifying love that one may be truly intimate:
        • it is not co-dependency i.e. using each other to satisfy a deep void e.g. contraception
        • when both individuals are independent i.e. have a self identity, they can have a real “in-to-me-see”

Marriage is a gift from God. It seems to me we have to admit that there is much outside of our realm of control and we have to trust this to God. In some sense it isn’t something that is earned. In the heartache of relationships or the lack thereof, it seems an invitation for us to make progress to grow into a deeper relationship with God. And that is where our affections is supposed to be first anyway. Even in a marriage your spouse isn’t going to fulfill your deepest desire – only God can do that. So instead of focusing on things you cannot control i.e. waste energy in being anxious, focus on being present to God, attending to him. Secondarily (or concurrently) we can focus on becoming a healthy person, who can then be a good spouse either to God or another person, or to be a good parent to oneself, such that one may be a good parent to others.

Marriage is a sacrament. Both man and woman consecrate the love to Christ to invite him to be the center of the relationship and give them supernatural grace to grow and experience divine love and be able to model this love to their children and thus society.

[I’m beginning to realize this page needs a lot of reformatting and editing; perhaps breaking the page into more digestible portions]

Need to elaborate on:

  • the right of children to have a mother and father
  • the effects of divorce – a death experience
  • non-religious reasons against same-sex marriage

PRINCIPLES

  • Each relationship is unique; it is not a science (it does not mean there aren’t universal truths to guide us)
  • Some stuff I’ve come across that seems to make some sense though I don’t know its epistemological origin:
    • “If a man cannot see a woman’s worth then he is not for her” (how can he see her worth if he doesn’t respect her?)
    • “If she’s not interested, she’s probably not worth pursuing, but if she doesn’t know you, she can’t be interested”
    • “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy” (yet I think it’s important to not put the woman on a pedestal to the point she implicitly thinks she can trample on the man or use him for more than she ought, is not the man supposed to lead or at least the relationship be on the same level?)
    • A woman’s heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her (women should set the standard for men yet unfortunately in this “modern” world, other women [often through no fault of their own i.e. ignorance] lower the standard among women and make it harder for decent women to set the standard)
  • Optimism and trust are the soul of intimacy
    • We must risk being vulnerable if we want to be intimate.  However since we can never gather enough data to trust anyone absolutely, we must take the risk of trusting them at some point.  We also need optimism in our lives; with it we see all reality as ultimately having positive value

 

HOW TO DATE

  • Let God set up the relationship
  • Learn, get feedback from confidants/mentors e.g.:
    • Let ladies earn your love
      • You want a lady that’s actually interested in you, if she’s not that’s actually interested in you, she’s not worth it
      • You are your own man with strong conviction; you will not compromise nor be controlled by her; you can love her because you love yourself
        • Have detachment
        • Don’t be trying to earn people’s love
  • Dating, start with friendship, your goal is to get them to heaven
  • Friendship is not always necessary but there needs to be good potential.
  • Dating is getting to know somebody
  • Ask women on a date
    • Girls, give guys a chance
  • Give girl time to think
  • It girls say no, respect it
  • If you cant remain friends after an interest in a girl that said no then it’s use i.e. you’re not being authentic
  • Don’t lead other people on
    • Don’t have “non-date” dates
    • Be clear to say if it’s a date or not
  • Have detachment in dating
    • You can have dates with a few people since you are not being physical.
    • When you think it could really work make it exclusive
  • You will have peace and joy when you have found your vocation. Anxiety otherwise.
  • Affection is good but arousing another is a sin.
  • Both people have to be on the same page.  Don’t have only one person be the chastity cop.
  • Questions before getting Serious? (link)
  • Ideas/sample questions to ask
    • http://www.buzzle.com/articles/deep-questions-to-ask-a-girl.html

EXAMPLE PREPARED RESPONSES

  • “I had a great time, maybe we can have lunch another time.”
  • “You know, i had a great time, but i wont be asking you out on any more dates.”
  • “Thank you for being honest”
  • My own personal examples:
    • I’ve always been honest with you and I really enjoy our friendship
    • I want the best for you
    • Unless God wills or unless you stop me, I will never abandon you
    • I really enjoy our friendship, but I don’t know if it is just me, but I feel that there is kind of an akwardness; I don’t want anything to get in the way of our friendship
    • I have to be honest and say I am attracted to you and your beauty.. yet I will be glad to have our friendship to be totally platonic
    • Again, I want the best for you and I know we are both healing; I want to give the space you need to heal
    • I feel like I can read your soul sometimes and I think I know how you feel.  I’m here for you if you want us to heal together

DON’Ts

  • Don’t just wait around; prepare
  • Don’t be so picky that you don’t end up with anybody
  • Don’t be self-seeking
  • It’s more about them
  • “how am I going to affirm them?”
  • “how do I make the other person happy?”
  • Don’t sin
  • Don’t lose heart

DO’s

  • Have faith in God and trust He cares
  • Do follow God’s laws; God will bless you through obedience
  • Do talk about your relationships with God
  • Be totally honest with yourself
  • Do communicate with the other person the whole time
  • Get your life in order, you can’t give what you don’t have. No one is perfect, at the same time, would you date you if you knew yourself?

STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP

  • Like
  • Friendship
  • Love proclaimed
  • Proven love
  • Commitment

REFERENCE MATERIAL

RECOMMENDED BOOKS

LINKS

  • 5 Questions to ask before you say ‘I do’:
    • 1. Are You and Your Fiancé Willing to Work at Premarital Education?

    • 2. Are You and Your Fiancé Willing to Hear From Your Relational Community?

    • 3. Are You Willing to Look Honestly at the “Red Flags”?

    • 4. Are You Willing to be Ruthlessly Honest About Your Own Brokenness?

    • 5. Are You Ready for Unconditional Commitment?

  • How to make the most of a bad breakup?:
    • 1. Reinvent Yourself

    • 2. Deal With Your Junk

    • 3. Forge a New Path

    • 4. Outgrow Loneliness

  • 6 ways to avoid Toxic Relationships (link):
    • Recognize the Rebound
    • Avoid Controlling and Possessive People
    • Don’t Tolerate a Flake
    • Abolish the Myth That Physical Chemistry is Everything
    • Unmatched Values and Priorities are a Recipe for a Broken Heart
  • How to Know You’re Ready for Marriage (link) – This is from Dr Laura, I’m not entirely endorsing her though a lot of stuff she says makes sense; she has a lot of real world experience and I think it is more important than some [fluffy i.e. “academic”] degrees
    • You share similar goals.
    • If you and your guy have different priorities, you’re going to end up being disappointed. For example, a woman called my show the other day complaining that her husband had moved their family 13 times in as many years to satisfy his appetite for wanderlust (which is a HORRIBLE thing for kids).  Before you consider marriage, ask yourself and your partner about where you want to live, if you want to have kids, and religious views.  Find out what the deal breakers are.
    • You don’t want to change him.
    • Similar to buying a dress from the store, when you get married, you take your man “as-is”.  Sure, you might be able to tweak him a little bit, but you can’t fundamentally change him.  If you don’t accept that, you’re going to end up frustrated and bitchy.  You don’t have to adore everything about him, but you do have to make peace with the fact that on Sunday afternoons it’s him and ESPN, and you’re not going to change that. (I don’t agree on the ESPN part though)
    • You connect on more than just a physical level.
    • A very small percentage of marriage is spent in passionate lovemaking.  You need to know that you can have fun together and enjoy each other when your clothes are ON.
    • You can see past your wedding day.
    • Many women are bridezillas: They are so focused on their wedding and being the center of the universe in their stunning white gown that they lose sight of their fiancé and the whole concept of marriage.
    • You can talk to each other.
    • You know you’re ready to get married when you can talk things out rationally (without yelling or screaming) and not let issues get pushed under the rug without being resolved.
    • Everyone you know says your guy is fab.
    • It’s fine if a few family members or friends aren’t huge fans (you can’t please everybody), but if everyone you know hates this guy, they might be on to something.  Your family and friends know you, and they can look at the situation objectivity. If they’re reasonably nice people, pay attention to them, otherwise your marriage is going to be a constant acid drip.
  • How to go on an actual date (link)
    • 7 Ground Rules for a proper date:
      • Is inspired: Art is original, not copied nor recycled. Going through the motions is cheap and disrespectful.
      • Is asked by name: Be open to getting to know someone as friends outside of a proper date, but reject the “sneak-a-date,” which is the lowest form of pursuit.
      • Is asked in person: If you are not ready to ask in person, then you aren’t ready for anything that follows anyway.
      • Is asked well in advance: You have no obligation to respond to last minute hang out requests and lazy nondescript invitations. See #2.
      • Is asked one at a time: No good can come from trying to cultivate romantic feelings for more than one person at a time.
      • Is a three part date: This means “coffee” is not a proper date and never was. Sorry. If there is no plan the date is void. See #2.
      • Is followed up the next day: The rest is up to you, but let nothing stop you from at least thanking the person for their time, no matter how the date went.
  • Secular info – I don’t necessarily endorse all the secular information though I’ll put references to links that I largely agree with:
    • 3 things all women want in a real man (link)
      • Leadership:
        • taking initiative
        • having my own life in control
        • show that you can take care of them
      • Integrity:
        • man of your word
        • follow through
        • Personal responsibility
        • reliable demonstrated through actions
      • Fun side:
        • Risk taker
        • wild sexy side – not boring
        • be, do, or have something they would enjoy spending their precious time with
    • Key things to make a relationship sucessful (link)
      • Self Love: The happiest couples always consisted of two (sometimes more) emotionally healthy and independently happy individuals. These people practiced self-love. They treated themselves with the same type of care that they treated their partner… or at least they tried to.
      • Emotionally healthy people know how to forgive, they are able to acknowledge their part in any disagreement or conflict and take responsibility for it. They are self-aware enough to be assertive, to pull their weight, and to give love when it’s most difficult.
      • Commitment: After that emotional health came an unquestioning level of commitment. The happiest couples knew that if shit got real, their significant other wasn’t going to walk out on them. They knew that even if things got hard – no, especially if things got hard — they were better off together. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.
      • Establish that foundation, and you’re in good shape.
      • Intentionality: This is the icing on the cake. There’s a difference between the couple who drives through the rainstorm and the couple who pulls their car to the side of the road to make out in the rain. (Yes, that’s a true story.) There’s a difference between the couple who kisses for 10 seconds or longer when they say goodbye to each other rather than just giving each other a peck… or nothing at all. There’s a difference between the couples who encourage each other to pursue their personal goals at the expense of their own discomfort or inconvenience… even if it means their partner has to stage kiss another woman.
      • The couples who try on a daily basis to experience some sort of meaningful connection, or create a fun memory are the couples who shattered my perception of what was possible in a loving relationship.”
    • Gottman seems pretty secular to me though since it is “evidence-based”, concepts or conclusions here may suggest deeper supernatural phenomena:
    • 10 Ways To Know You’re Dating A True Gentleman (link) – warning: this is from a secular humanist and not a Christian; the ideas on surface seem good though remember not to love the ideas and philosophies more than he who created them i.e. Jesus; don’t disregard his teaching i.e. the teaching of the Catholic Church
      • A true gentleman values more than just your looks.
      • A true gentleman will never be intimidated by your motivation.
      • A true gentleman will have more interests than just you.
      • A true gentleman will give you answers.
      • A true gentleman is direct.
      • A true gentleman will trust you.
      • A true gentleman is cool, calm, and collected.
      • A true gentleman will show you respect.
      • A true gentleman will put effort into your relationship.
      • A true gentleman will make you want to be the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.
    • Unsorted:
      • http://www.drlaura.com/b/Why-We-Stay-in-Bad-Relationships/-275676505856164203.html?utm_campaign=0807Why-Stay-Bad-Relationships

MEDITATIONS

  • We need to redeem dating
  • Chastity = whole
  • Stages of interior life (not exclusive):
    • Purgative
    • Illumitive – do things out of love for God – be light for people
    • Unity – mystic – see God in everything
  • You can’t love anybody you don’t know
  • What does “Equally yoked” mean?
    • What should I look for? In my experience I didn’t know what to look for at first, it now seems like you will know when you know, when God lets you know
  • To me it seems like relationships should be more about what you can give, than what you can receive
  • Who am I and who should I be? What duties does a man in a relationship have?
  • What have I initiated? How am I leading?

ACTION ITEMS

  • Build friendships:
    • Develop trust
    • Don’t try too hard
    • Listen more talk less
    • Meet friends like old high school friends
    • Put God first, don’t even worry about getting in a relationship
  • Know people’s love languages e.g.:
    • People who love scripture may have affirmation as their love language.
    • Quality time – these people may rather spend time with a few people, not a bunch of surface conversations
  • Know your worth.  If they can’t respect you, they don’t deserve you
  • Pray
  • Daily Examination
    • How did i love and how did i fail?
    • I need to love myself more and really believe in my worth
  • Create a non-negotional list e.g.:
    • must be Catholic
    • must be honest and open
    • must be pro-life not because I said so, but because they truly are
    • must love God first
    • must be willing to learn and change
    • I cannot change her and she needs to realize she can’t change me either, but we both want and do change to grow in love of each other for God
    • I cannot not expect anything from her that I don’t expect from myself for her
    • I must be able to and do make her happier
    • if she’s not fully happy, she must be at least content without being in a relationship with someone
    • she must be independent enough to be secure in herself
    • she takes care of herself spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally
    • she must understand the challenges in the world and the Church; if not she must naturally want to learn about it and do something about it
    • she has high standards but recognizes she is not perfect and thus able to love me with my imperfections
    • I must be compatible with her family, if not there must be some strong alternative support structure for her and me
    • we have compatible love languages
    • be equal in the relationship
    • mutual respect
    • mutually help each other get to heaven
    • someone I can laugh and play with; best friends
    • someone who wishes to be a mother
    • healthy relationships will have conflicts; must be able to resolve conflicts without totally warping each others sense of self-worth; i.e. there is inherent trust each other has each others’ best interests
  • Be passionate
    • if you are with the most amazing person in the world, i.e. Jesus, Mary, or your wife/girlfriend, why not be passionate?

TIPS

  • Allow for intimacy: respect, trust, communication, no yelling
  • Protect her emotionally
  • Make her feel safe
  • In a relationship, spiritual journey needs to be together
  • Add communication to decision making process
  • Reflective Listening

 

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On Forgiveness (Revision 3)

I think this subject deserves so much more attention though I have personally found it difficult to find reliable information on forgiveness.  Of course I can find plenty of information but how do I realistically apply this in my own life and relationships? This is a first stab on how; this is a skeleton but I plan to expand and elaborate later:

3 Forms of Forgiveness (a psychological model)

1. Exoneration

Highest form of forgiveness. This requires repentance from the offender. The act of officially absolving someone from blame, sincerely acting like the incident never happened, forgetting the incident entirely.

2. Forgive but not forget

Second-best form of forgiveness. Being cautious

3. Not exoneration, not forgetting

Lowest kind of forgiveness though this might be the only available option if culprit does not acknowledge nor repent of the wrong-doing. Just getting out of the danger; nothing done for the other person, only for the offended; I don’t forgive you, but I release myself

 

How the culprit and victim can help each other

  • repentance from the culprit, exoneration/ask for acknowledgement (understand their need to be released)
  • the victim can reach out to the culprit e.g. “let me know what causes you anger and sorrow.. I am sorry for (listen to each of the points); please forgive me”

Tips:

  • someone who is injured needs some time to feel sore
  • counterfeit: “if I hurt you in any way, I am sorry” (they are not acknowledging the crime)
  • for happiness sake, at least release (3rd form of forgiveness)
  • if the offender does not acknowledge/repent, it causes pain for both parties

The spiritual dimension of Forgiveness and Mercy

So far I’ve mentioned a simple model of forgiveness [seemingly model that can be derived by natural means] though it seems many apparently simple things have a deeper, supernatural depth. In my last revision I had linked to an article that no longer exists (this is partly the reason why I often make copies of an article [with due attribution] on my site). I perceive this as a sign from God that I need to elaborate more on forgiveness, dive deeper, and actually try to practice it in my life.

The forth dimension of Forgiveness (assuming we follow a model of 3 natural kinds of forgiveness) is the kind of forgiveness Jesus teaches us. e.g.:

  • “God forgive them for they know not what they do”
  • To me it seems it can be the kind of love that loves while suffering
  • If we make good confessions often, and are given so much undeserved love and mercy, are we not compelled to have mercy on others?
  • I think it is good to reflect on Mother Teresa’s “do it anyway”:
    • People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

    • If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

    • If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

    • If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

    • What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

    • If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

    • The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

    • Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

    • In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

  • Now what are we going to do with what we know?

 

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How to make a good confession (revision 2)

If our eternal life depends on us being free of mortal sins, it seems very important to make good confessions. Ultimately yes, we depend on God’s mercy and rely on the power of Jesus on the cross [i.e. his love for us] and so from our hearts we must have contrition for our sins. This guide is to help us make a thorough confession as it seems there is more grace as we frequent the sacrament of confession with more fervor.  I know personally in my life going to confession often has helped me heal so much and I would like this healing for you.

The fisheaters website has a good examination of conscience [unfortunately I can’t recommend the entire site though it does has good material there], while I have made the observation the the 12 Steps [created by a Catholic priest] is a good [but not perfect] way thoroughly make a confession.  [to elaborate later in another revision]

Some points to consider for how to make a good confession:

  • There is really no good reason to not go to confession – consider how blessed we are and the benefits of confession
  • Yet at the same time are we implicitly thinking only of the benefits we can derive from confession? e.g. to go to confession just to remove our guilt?
  • Are we asking God for grace to remove all our weaknesses?
    • We should not ask God to remove all our weaknesses!
    • Sure we want grace to help us not sin, but we don’t want God to take away our crosses!
    • If we cease to struggle, that’s when we seriously have a problem; without weaknesses we would make ourselves God, but fundamentally we need God because undeniably we a broken human nature
    • We need to ask for grace to persevere (ironically it is the grace to keep struggling!)
  • Past failure has worth:
    • Don’t forget about our own sins – not in a morbid way but as a reminder of our need of God, a reminder of God’s love for us, that we may be more grateful
    • Remember: Jesus chose Peter; Peter was more lovable in God’s eyes because of his weaknesses.
    • God loves us [despite our weaknesses] because He is loving, not because He is looking at our weaknesses as some as a vengeful judge nor is He looking for us to earn His love
    • Make no mistake, Hell does exist and while God does not want us there, we have a choice, just as we have freedom to love
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Magnanimity

When I discovered this, I thought this is an awesome attribute to possess.

MAGNANIMITY, n. [L. magnanimitas; magnus, great, and animus, mind.] Greatness of mind; that elevation or dignity of soul, which encounters danger and trouble with tranquility and firmness, which raises the possessor above revenge, and makes him delight in acts of benevolence, which makes him disdain injustice and meanness, and prompts him to sacrifice personal ease, interest and safety for the accomplishment of useful and noble objects.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnanimity

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