How to love while suffering (Revision 2)

By: enigma Date: January 19, 2015 Categories: Fatherhood, Spiritual

Anything supernatural I’ll have to preface by stating that I am by no means an expert, at the same time I like to describe myself as an imperfect practitioner but at least trying to arrive at a solution.

In one sense, one can describe love in two ways:

  • Natural Love – love on a natural level, the kind of love a parent might have for a child or the kind among friends, getting value out of a relationship
  • Divine Love – love on a supernatural level, the kind of love the Jesus has for each one of us, the kind of love of saints, loving those who have harmed you

Loving while suffering I would say is a bit supernatural, divine love. Divine love is love without a price tag – it is when you love without self-interest. Agape love. It seems true love is unfair as the initiator not only expects nothing in return, he is often left hanging, even suffering while the beloved may be ungrateful, disinterested, self-absorbed. This is often how we treat Jesus.

So how do we love while suffering? Consider a few points:

  • Try to see things in the eyes of Jesus e.g.:
    • Imagine Jesus asking you: “Do you love me enough to share my suffering with you?”
    • Jesus understands your suffering, he consoles us when we let him. At least as a friend, we can accept the suffering as a gift to Jesus, keeping in mind the greater good of the human family
  • Suffering in love in a sense is like a mother giving birth to a child; in the midst of the suffering we can’t always appreciate the meaning of this suffering until there is a birth of something good
  • Some might think suffering is evil, but God allows evil for a greater good – that we may be virtuous yet even better – that we may love freely and more beautifully with deeper meaning and value
  • Why can’t God just take away all the suffering? Why can’t he just give us everything like dropping manna from the sky? He could but he wants us to possess and share his inheritance like he does – from within himself
    • How about we give, not just externally or when it is easy, but how about we give from within ourself, how about we love by giving from within?
  • Consider some thoughts by C.S. Lewis, sometimes our hearts need to be broken, for our own good
  • It can be a joy, not necessarily feeling happy, but some level of contentment as you can derive peace from participating in meaningful love

 

 

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On Relationships (Revision 17)

By: enigma Date: September 10, 2014 Categories: Emotional, Family, Fatherhood, Intellectual, Physical, Social, Spiritual

It’s hard for me to imagine I could write authoritatively on the subject of relationships, as there is a lot for me to learn, though I’ll start compiling a list of notes and develop it as my own from there. The initial skeleton of notes came from Jackie Francois years ago at one of her talks, yet the majority of the content here now is from my own experiences and from my own learning.

Relationships

Discerning God’s will is not a dichotomy of choosing either marriage or religious life. Dying to me means choosing to surrender to God not once but repeatedly, every day. Discerning to me means dying and sacrificing in Love, carrying our cross, awaiting with the Holy Spirit to see if it produces any fruit – not just in choosing our vocation, but in every decision in our life. Sometimes this means just being content right now that we are growing in love and not needing to pursue anything but the love and honor of God, giving unreservedly all.

How does discerning God’s will relate to relationships? Each relationship e.g. friendship does not have to be some soul-wrenching experience, simply enjoying the presence of another and having fun is sufficient for friendship. I’m referring to relationships in the context of prospective marriage. Obviously (or not), one has to know oneself and have done at least some serious discernment to know their vocation to enter into a commitment, a relationship with another. Human beings [on a certain level] are mysteries, there isn’t an exact science to relationships (and this is a good thing that people are mysteries, that our relationships can grow on an infinite scale). At the same time there are certain immutable truths to help us navigate the amazingly complex world of relationships between men and women. It seems absurd to believe that the creation of the universe to be without purpose and when we look at this in the context of marriage we see that when we understand the purpose of marriage, many complexities in relationships are dispelled.

God created marriage. The Goal is Heaven. Each other should bring each other to heaven:

  • St Thomas (I’m paraphrasing) says to love is to want the best good for the beloved. Upon some meditation we realize that the best good is God (love is in the will)
  • Each person should be leading each other to God:
    • Marriage is not the ultimate satisfaction of your deepest desires
    • In a marriage, one should not be a pseudo parent to the spouse otherwise there would not be a real husband-wife relationship
    • Your sole source of happiness cannot be in marriage, in this sense you can not find happiness in marriage, if the marriage is working, you can only be happier (you have to take responsibility of your own happiness)
  • God created sex; it is good! Sex is holy!
    • Sex should be celebrating intimacy (in-to-me-see, seeing, truly knowing the soul of the beloved) and its purpose is to bring the miracle of children into the world, to raise them up to be healthy, independent, adults, baptized in Love i.e. in God to be who God created them to be, gifts to the world
    • Sex in marriage is supposed to be an image of heaven, a foretaste of heaven
    • Sex is the renewal of the marriage vows, and marriage should be an example of God’s love in the world:
      • a free love (one made by deliberate choice e.g. not forced nor through co-dependency)
      • a total love (not promiscuous, uncommitted relationships, exclusive)
      • a faithful love (loyal, constant, and with faith, supernatural love)
      • a fruitful love (one that through intensity, births life)
    • Chastity does not take away from sex (it is not abstinence), it is the power to love:
      • As part of being a free love, one has command over his passions, such that he can give love as a gift (as a free person not enslaved; true freedom is choosing what is right, not being enslaved to sin)
      • Having command over the passions, one can truly give a free, total, faithful, fruitful love
      • Chastity is about purifying love that one may be truly intimate:
        • it is not co-dependency i.e. using each other to satisfy a deep void e.g. contraception
        • when both individuals are independent i.e. have a self identity, they can have a real “in-to-me-see”

Marriage is a gift from God. It seems to me we have to admit that there is much outside of our realm of control and we have to trust this to God. In some sense it isn’t something that is earned. In the heartache of relationships or the lack thereof, it seems an invitation for us to make progress to grow into a deeper relationship with God. And that is where our affections is supposed to be first anyway. Even in a marriage your spouse isn’t going to fulfill your deepest desire – only God can do that. So instead of focusing on things you cannot control i.e. waste energy in being anxious, focus on being present to God, attending to him. Secondarily (or concurrently) we can focus on becoming a healthy person, who can then be a good spouse either to God or another person, or to be a good parent to oneself, such that one may be a good parent to others.

Marriage is a sacrament. Both man and woman consecrate the love to Christ to invite him to be the center of the relationship and give them supernatural grace to grow and experience divine love and be able to model this love to their children and thus society.

[I’m beginning to realize this page needs a lot of reformatting and editing; perhaps breaking the page into more digestible portions]

Need to elaborate on:

  • the right of children to have a mother and father
  • the effects of divorce – a death experience
  • non-religious reasons against same-sex marriage

PRINCIPLES

  • Each relationship is unique; it is not a science (it does not mean there aren’t universal truths to guide us)
  • Some stuff I’ve come across that seems to make some sense though I don’t know its epistemological origin:
    • “If a man cannot see a woman’s worth then he is not for her” (how can he see her worth if he doesn’t respect her?)
    • “If she’s not interested, she’s probably not worth pursuing, but if she doesn’t know you, she can’t be interested”
    • “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy” (yet I think it’s important to not put the woman on a pedestal to the point she implicitly thinks she can trample on the man or use him for more than she ought, is not the man supposed to lead or at least the relationship be on the same level?)
    • A woman’s heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her (women should set the standard for men yet unfortunately in this “modern” world, other women [often through no fault of their own i.e. ignorance] lower the standard among women and make it harder for decent women to set the standard)
  • Optimism and trust are the soul of intimacy
    • We must risk being vulnerable if we want to be intimate.  However since we can never gather enough data to trust anyone absolutely, we must take the risk of trusting them at some point.  We also need optimism in our lives; with it we see all reality as ultimately having positive value

 

HOW TO DATE

  • Let God set up the relationship
  • Learn, get feedback from confidants/mentors e.g.:
    • Let ladies earn your love
      • You want a lady that’s actually interested in you, if she’s not that’s actually interested in you, she’s not worth it
      • You are your own man with strong conviction; you will not compromise nor be controlled by her; you can love her because you love yourself
        • Have detachment
        • Don’t be trying to earn people’s love
  • Dating, start with friendship, your goal is to get them to heaven
  • Friendship is not always necessary but there needs to be good potential.
  • Dating is getting to know somebody
  • Ask women on a date
    • Girls, give guys a chance
  • Give girl time to think
  • It girls say no, respect it
  • If you cant remain friends after an interest in a girl that said no then it’s use i.e. you’re not being authentic
  • Don’t lead other people on
    • Don’t have “non-date” dates
    • Be clear to say if it’s a date or not
  • Have detachment in dating
    • You can have dates with a few people since you are not being physical.
    • When you think it could really work make it exclusive
  • You will have peace and joy when you have found your vocation. Anxiety otherwise.
  • Affection is good but arousing another is a sin.
  • Both people have to be on the same page.  Don’t have only one person be the chastity cop.
  • Questions before getting Serious? (link)
  • Ideas/sample questions to ask
    • http://www.buzzle.com/articles/deep-questions-to-ask-a-girl.html

EXAMPLE PREPARED RESPONSES

  • “I had a great time, maybe we can have lunch another time.”
  • “You know, i had a great time, but i wont be asking you out on any more dates.”
  • “Thank you for being honest”
  • My own personal examples:
    • I’ve always been honest with you and I really enjoy our friendship
    • I want the best for you
    • Unless God wills or unless you stop me, I will never abandon you
    • I really enjoy our friendship, but I don’t know if it is just me, but I feel that there is kind of an akwardness; I don’t want anything to get in the way of our friendship
    • I have to be honest and say I am attracted to you and your beauty.. yet I will be glad to have our friendship to be totally platonic
    • Again, I want the best for you and I know we are both healing; I want to give the space you need to heal
    • I feel like I can read your soul sometimes and I think I know how you feel.  I’m here for you if you want us to heal together

DON’Ts

  • Don’t just wait around; prepare
  • Don’t be so picky that you don’t end up with anybody
  • Don’t be self-seeking
  • It’s more about them
  • “how am I going to affirm them?”
  • “how do I make the other person happy?”
  • Don’t sin
  • Don’t lose heart

DO’s

  • Have faith in God and trust He cares
  • Do follow God’s laws; God will bless you through obedience
  • Do talk about your relationships with God
  • Be totally honest with yourself
  • Do communicate with the other person the whole time
  • Get your life in order, you can’t give what you don’t have. No one is perfect, at the same time, would you date you if you knew yourself?

STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP

  • Like
  • Friendship
  • Love proclaimed
  • Proven love
  • Commitment

REFERENCE MATERIAL

RECOMMENDED BOOKS

LINKS

  • 5 Questions to ask before you say ‘I do’:

    • 1. Are You and Your Fiancé Willing to Work at Premarital Education?

    • 2. Are You and Your Fiancé Willing to Hear From Your Relational Community?

    • 3. Are You Willing to Look Honestly at the “Red Flags”?

    • 4. Are You Willing to be Ruthlessly Honest About Your Own Brokenness?

    • 5. Are You Ready for Unconditional Commitment?

  • How to make the most of a bad breakup?:

    • 1. Reinvent Yourself

    • 2. Deal With Your Junk

    • 3. Forge a New Path

    • 4. Outgrow Loneliness

  • 6 ways to avoid Toxic Relationships (link):
    • Recognize the Rebound
    • Avoid Controlling and Possessive People
    • Don’t Tolerate a Flake
    • Abolish the Myth That Physical Chemistry is Everything
    • Unmatched Values and Priorities are a Recipe for a Broken Heart
  • How to Know You’re Ready for Marriage (link) – This is from Dr Laura, I’m not entirely endorsing her though a lot of stuff she says makes sense; she has a lot of real world experience and I think it is more important than some [fluffy i.e. “academic”] degrees
    • You share similar goals.
    • If you and your guy have different priorities, you’re going to end up being disappointed. For example, a woman called my show the other day complaining that her husband had moved their family 13 times in as many years to satisfy his appetite for wanderlust (which is a HORRIBLE thing for kids).  Before you consider marriage, ask yourself and your partner about where you want to live, if you want to have kids, and religious views.  Find out what the deal breakers are.
    • You don’t want to change him.
    • Similar to buying a dress from the store, when you get married, you take your man “as-is”.  Sure, you might be able to tweak him a little bit, but you can’t fundamentally change him.  If you don’t accept that, you’re going to end up frustrated and bitchy.  You don’t have to adore everything about him, but you do have to make peace with the fact that on Sunday afternoons it’s him and ESPN, and you’re not going to change that. (I don’t agree on the ESPN part though)
    • You connect on more than just a physical level.
    • A very small percentage of marriage is spent in passionate lovemaking.  You need to know that you can have fun together and enjoy each other when your clothes are ON.
    • You can see past your wedding day.
    • Many women are bridezillas: They are so focused on their wedding and being the center of the universe in their stunning white gown that they lose sight of their fiancé and the whole concept of marriage.
    • You can talk to each other.
    • You know you’re ready to get married when you can talk things out rationally (without yelling or screaming) and not let issues get pushed under the rug without being resolved.
    • Everyone you know says your guy is fab.
    • It’s fine if a few family members or friends aren’t huge fans (you can’t please everybody), but if everyone you know hates this guy, they might be on to something.  Your family and friends know you, and they can look at the situation objectivity. If they’re reasonably nice people, pay attention to them, otherwise your marriage is going to be a constant acid drip.
  • How to go on an actual date (link)
    • 7 Ground Rules for a proper date:
      • Is inspired: Art is original, not copied nor recycled. Going through the motions is cheap and disrespectful.
      • Is asked by name: Be open to getting to know someone as friends outside of a proper date, but reject the “sneak-a-date,” which is the lowest form of pursuit.
      • Is asked in person: If you are not ready to ask in person, then you aren’t ready for anything that follows anyway.
      • Is asked well in advance: You have no obligation to respond to last minute hang out requests and lazy nondescript invitations. See #2.
      • Is asked one at a time: No good can come from trying to cultivate romantic feelings for more than one person at a time.
      • Is a three part date: This means “coffee” is not a proper date and never was. Sorry. If there is no plan the date is void. See #2.
      • Is followed up the next day: The rest is up to you, but let nothing stop you from at least thanking the person for their time, no matter how the date went.
  • Secular info – I don’t necessarily endorse all the secular information though I’ll put references to links that I largely agree with:
    • 3 things all women want in a real man (link)
      • Leadership:
        • taking initiative
        • having my own life in control
        • show that you can take care of them
      • Integrity:
        • man of your word
        • follow through
        • Personal responsibility
        • reliable demonstrated through actions
      • Fun side:
        • Risk taker
        • wild sexy side – not boring
        • be, do, or have something they would enjoy spending their precious time with
    • Key things to make a relationship sucessful (link)
      • Self Love: The happiest couples always consisted of two (sometimes more) emotionally healthy and independently happy individuals. These people practiced self-love. They treated themselves with the same type of care that they treated their partner… or at least they tried to.
      • Emotionally healthy people know how to forgive, they are able to acknowledge their part in any disagreement or conflict and take responsibility for it. They are self-aware enough to be assertive, to pull their weight, and to give love when it’s most difficult.
      • Commitment: After that emotional health came an unquestioning level of commitment. The happiest couples knew that if shit got real, their significant other wasn’t going to walk out on them. They knew that even if things got hard – no, especially if things got hard — they were better off together. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.
      • Establish that foundation, and you’re in good shape.
      • Intentionality: This is the icing on the cake. There’s a difference between the couple who drives through the rainstorm and the couple who pulls their car to the side of the road to make out in the rain. (Yes, that’s a true story.) There’s a difference between the couple who kisses for 10 seconds or longer when they say goodbye to each other rather than just giving each other a peck… or nothing at all. There’s a difference between the couples who encourage each other to pursue their personal goals at the expense of their own discomfort or inconvenience… even if it means their partner has to stage kiss another woman.
      • The couples who try on a daily basis to experience some sort of meaningful connection, or create a fun memory are the couples who shattered my perception of what was possible in a loving relationship.”
    • Gottman seems pretty secular to me though since it is “evidence-based”, concepts or conclusions here may suggest deeper supernatural phenomena:
    • 10 Ways To Know You’re Dating A True Gentleman (link) – warning: this is from a secular humanist and not a Christian; the ideas on surface seem good though remember not to love the ideas and philosophies more than he who created them i.e. Jesus; don’t disregard his teaching i.e. the teaching of the Catholic Church
      • A true gentleman values more than just your looks.
      • A true gentleman will never be intimidated by your motivation.
      • A true gentleman will have more interests than just you.
      • A true gentleman will give you answers.
      • A true gentleman is direct.
      • A true gentleman will trust you.
      • A true gentleman is cool, calm, and collected.
      • A true gentleman will show you respect.
      • A true gentleman will put effort into your relationship.
      • A true gentleman will make you want to be the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are.
    • Unsorted:
      • http://www.drlaura.com/b/Why-We-Stay-in-Bad-Relationships/-275676505856164203.html?utm_campaign=0807Why-Stay-Bad-Relationships

MEDITATIONS

  • We need to redeem dating
  • Chastity = whole
  • Stages of interior life (not exclusive):
    • Purgative
    • Illumitive – do things out of love for God – be light for people
    • Unity – mystic – see God in everything
  • You can’t love anybody you don’t know
  • What does “Equally yoked” mean?
    • What should I look for? In my experience I didn’t know what to look for at first, it now seems like you will know when you know, when God lets you know
  • To me it seems like relationships should be more about what you can give, than what you can receive
  • Who am I and who should I be? What duties does a man in a relationship have?
  • What have I initiated? How am I leading?

ACTION ITEMS

  • Build friendships:
    • Develop trust
    • Don’t try too hard
    • Listen more talk less
    • Meet friends like old high school friends
    • Put God first, don’t even worry about getting in a relationship
  • Know people’s love languages e.g.:
    • People who love scripture may have affirmation as their love language.
    • Quality time – these people may rather spend time with a few people, not a bunch of surface conversations
  • Know your worth.  If they can’t respect you, they don’t deserve you
  • Pray
  • Daily Examination
    • How did i love and how did i fail?
    • I need to love myself more and really believe in my worth
  • Create a non-negotional list e.g.:
    • must be Catholic
    • must be honest and open
    • must be pro-life not because I said so, but because they truly are
    • must love God first
    • must be willing to learn and change
    • I cannot change her and she needs to realize she can’t change me either, but we both want and do change to grow in love of each other for God
    • I cannot not expect anything from her that I don’t expect from myself for her
    • I must be able to and do make her happier
    • if she’s not fully happy, she must be at least content without being in a relationship with someone
    • she must be independent enough to be secure in herself
    • she takes care of herself spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally
    • she must understand the challenges in the world and the Church; if not she must naturally want to learn about it and do something about it
    • she has high standards but recognizes she is not perfect and thus able to love me with my imperfections
    • I must be compatible with her family, if not there must be some strong alternative support structure for her and me
    • we have compatible love languages
    • be equal in the relationship
    • mutual respect
    • mutually help each other get to heaven
    • someone I can laugh and play with; best friends
    • someone who wishes to be a mother
    • healthy relationships will have conflicts; must be able to resolve conflicts without totally warping each others sense of self-worth; i.e. there is inherent trust each other has each others’ best interests
  • Be passionate
    • if you are with the most amazing person in the world, i.e. Jesus, Mary, or your wife/girlfriend, why not be passionate?

TIPS

  • Allow for intimacy: respect, trust, communication, no yelling
  • Protect her emotionally
  • Make her feel safe
  • In a relationship, spiritual journey needs to be together
  • Add communication to decision making process
  • Reflective Listening

 

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How to make a good confession (revision 2)

By: enigma Date: July 13, 2014 Categories: Emotional, Family, Fatherhood, Intellectual, Physical, Social, Spiritual

If our eternal life depends on us being free of mortal sins, it seems very important to make good confessions. Ultimately yes, we depend on God’s mercy and rely on the power of Jesus on the cross [i.e. his love for us] and so from our hearts we must have contrition for our sins. This guide is to help us make a thorough confession as it seems there is more grace as we frequent the sacrament of confession with more fervor.  I know personally in my life going to confession often has helped me heal so much and I would like this healing for you.

The fisheaters website has a good examination of conscience [unfortunately I can’t recommend the entire site though it does has good material there], while I have made the observation the the 12 Steps [created by a Catholic priest] is a good [but not perfect] way thoroughly make a confession.  [to elaborate later in another revision]

Some points to consider for how to make a good confession:

  • There is really no good reason to not go to confession – consider how blessed we are and the benefits of confession
  • Yet at the same time are we implicitly thinking only of the benefits we can derive from confession? e.g. to go to confession just to remove our guilt?
  • Are we asking God for grace to remove all our weaknesses?
    • We should not ask God to remove all our weaknesses!
    • Sure we want grace to help us not sin, but we don’t want God to take away our crosses!
    • If we cease to struggle, that’s when we seriously have a problem; without weaknesses we would make ourselves God, but fundamentally we need God because undeniably we a broken human nature
    • We need to ask for grace to persevere (ironically it is the grace to keep struggling!)
  • Past failure has worth:
    • Don’t forget about our own sins – not in a morbid way but as a reminder of our need of God, a reminder of God’s love for us, that we may be more grateful
    • Remember: Jesus chose Peter; Peter was more lovable in God’s eyes because of his weaknesses.
    • God loves us [despite our weaknesses] because He is loving, not because He is looking at our weaknesses as some as a vengeful judge nor is He looking for us to earn His love
    • Make no mistake, Hell does exist and while God does not want us there, we have a choice, just as we have freedom to love
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How to waste time and energy

By: enigma Date: June 26, 2014 Categories: Carreer, Emotional, Family, Fatherhood, Financial, Intellectual, Physical, Social, Spiritual

How to waste time:

  • focusing on “what” instead of “why”
  • reading but not applying
  • not carrying your cross
  • not searching for the truth
  • being bored
  • not being grateful
  • doing stupid stuff
  • planning too much, not doing
  • not being disciplined
  • getting sucked into things that you have no control over

How to waste energy:

  • being addicted
  • worrying about things you cannot control -> pray instead
  • emotional connection to people who do not care
  • not being at peace
  • doing stupid, purposeless stuff
  • planning too much, not doing
  • doing, but not planning and considering purpose
  • planning for something that may not happen
  • theory without application, application without theory
  • spending energy on things you have little control over

How to get and spend energy:

  • focus on “why”, the purpose
  • be creative
  • sleep well, play well
  • love, give
  • being healed, grace from God -> prayer, being connected to God, beauty
  • being grateful
  • learning, trying new things, forgiveness, mercy
  • focusing on things that you can control, yet letting go to trust and have fun
  • focus on things that will happen, e.g. planning a good death for a good life
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Share by not sharing

By: enigma Date: June 19, 2014 Categories: Emotional, Family, Fatherhood, Intellectual, Physical, Social, Spiritual

Most of what I was going to post on this blog was meant to augment my life manual but I’m thinking I should modify what I should post on this site.

I do have a deep desire in me to give a legacy to you [whoever reads this blog] but I’m reminded again that all of this site is mere words.  After attending a friend’s father’s funeral it reminded me that when I die, there probably won’t be much time with words to say all that I would like to say; is my idea leaving people with a website a foolish way to die (“I’ve died now; go look at my website!”)? – how impersonal! Hopefully I would have already affected people’s lives in a very personal and good way long before my death, hopefully I would have already created loving, joyful, peaceful memories for people to remember me by (though I need not necessarily to be remembered except for what is necessary for my salvation).  Hopefully through my prayers and actions I would have made their lives better.

The life manual seems more of a template for one to live by.  Life should be more about giving [sharing] of oneself than receiving. While the life manual was created through my own life experience it isn’t necessarily who I am; it almost seems an impersonal way to get to know me.  Even if I enumerate all of my attributes, beliefs, principles, etc. it cannot fully encapsulate who I am. You cannot really know me without personal contact with me [which is a reminder to me I need to share more of myself with people if they are going to get to know me]

I will share some of my experiences, my progress, my creativity on this blog.  It seems if one is growing and connected to God who is love, who is the creator of all things, they will be creative and have more things to share. In that sense I will keep myself accountable, by sharing. At the same time I need to remind myself to participate in the lives of people and attending to eternal things (e.g.: love, prayer, people/family, giving life, truth) i.e. I need to share [on this blog to be accountable] by not sharing [instead of making blog posts for example on love, I should be making love 🙂 ].

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St. Augustine on Love

By: enigma Date: May 12, 2014 Categories: Emotional, Family, Fatherhood, Social, Spiritual

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

-St. Augustine

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Ten Commandments For A Husband And Father

By: enigma Date: November 27, 2013 Categories: Emotional, Family, Fatherhood, Intellectual, Physical, Social, Spiritual

Summary to add to reminders:

  1. Develop an intimate, personal relationship with Jesus, allowing Him to forgive you of your past, to talk to you, to heal you and to guide you.
  2. Get your priorities in order:  Jesus first, your wife second, your children third, your work fourth, etc.
  3. Realize that you are the “priest” of the home.
  4. Make sure you know what your children are being taught at school regarding morals and values.
  5. Pray with your wife and regularly so.
  6. Spend quality time with each child.  Treat each child in a unique and personal way.  The power of a father’s affirming love is tremendously overwhelming and something truly wonderful.
  7. Consecrate your home to the Sacred Heart of Jesus.
  8. Do not let sports or outside activities become more important to you or to your children than Christ and family.
  9. Pray that each one of your children may answer the call to the vocation that Almighty God has chosen for him or her from all eternity.
  10. Ensure the frequenting of the Sacraments by your family members.

Original Source: http://www.courageouspriest.com/ten-commandments-husband-father

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Concepts, Methodology, Principles (revision 7)

By: enigma Date: November 11, 2013 Categories: Emotional, Family, Fatherhood, Financial, Intellectual, Physical, Social, Spiritual

Concepts and Methodology:

  • Start with Why
    • Beauty, Vision, Goals
    • Grace
    • Humility to see what God wants you to see; see yourself as God sees you, looking at the bigger picture
  • Focusing on the Human Person – 5 Love Languages
    • Concepts of completeness/Seeing the big picture – I want to give you the best, I want to give you my all
    • Knowing thyself
  • Wisdom – seeing God in everything, looking at the bigger picture and the meaning of real education
    • The Trinity is in everything
    • Since God is Love, the 5 Love Languages are in everything
    • Seeing Truth in everything – the value in cross-discipline principles
    • Deriving meaning from relationships
  • Learn from the experts yet know that since you can’t know everything, they cannot know everything either
  • Wheel of life
  • GTD – a system that allows you to be more in the present, free of “open loops”
    • Review
  • Mindsweeping
  • Mindmapping
  • Atomic transactions

Principles used to create this Manual:

  • Supernatural Ideas:
    • Humility
    • Truth
    • Love
    • Meekness
    • Trust
    • Beauty
    • Gratefulness
    • Joy
    • Faith, Hope, Charity
    • Magnanimity
    • Mary – wisdom is seeing everything in Love, should we not see everything in the eyes of Mary?  Mary, crown of God’s creation, model of whom we should desire to become
    • Time & the present
  • Supernatural and Natural Models:
    • Catholicism:
      • Jesus:
        • The Eucharist
        • The greatest 2 commandments
        • Love and the cross
        • Suffering
      • Dominican Order:
        • Dedication to the Truth
        • you cannot give what you don’t have
        • I assimilate truth though many sources using the principle “find truth where it exists” so while some sources are secular I consider them as an attempt by natural means do discover truth.  I believe the supernatural as described by the Catholic Church trumps systems derived though natural, humanistic means e.g. truths of the Catholic faith trump those attempts to discover truth through psychology.  Psychology can be an imperfect means to describe phenomenons.  There’s more humility in accepting that mysteries exist but it’s ok to attempt describing it and derive meaning.
      • Miles Christi:
        • The greater glory of God
        • Mediations:
      • Cursillo
      • Theology of the Body
    • Philosophy:
      • Logic
      • Socratic Method
      • The intellect, the passions, and the will
    • Leadership:
      • Leaders keep little promises
    • Psychology:
      • Boundaries
      • 12 Steps
      • Cross Generational Disease
      • Completeness
      • HALT
    • Theory vs Practice and the value of experience:
      • Wisdom vs Knowledge
      • My Experiences
    • Mathematics and Computer Science:
      • Agile methodologies
      • Optimization
      • Debugging
    • Martial Arts:
    • History:
      • Contemporary problems
  • Supernatural Means:
    • Prayer & Adoration, Meditations, Novenas, Sacramentals:
      • the importance of mystery
    • The Little Way:
      • My personal affirmations:
        • Let it be done to me according to your word
        • Fiat Voluntas Tua
        • Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam
        • Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like unto thine
        • St Joseph, Light of Patriarchs, Terror of demons, Guardian of the Holy Family, protect me in all dangers
        • Mary, Most Pure, Mother of God, who makes the Love of Jesus real to me, show thyself to be my mother
        • All for Jesus, all through Mary, in imitation of you St Joseph
        • Jesus we adore you, Mary we implore you, Joseph Most Just, in you we place our trust
    • Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Anne

Guidelines:

  • Since the average human mind can only clearly hold 7 plus or minus 2 ideas in their mind, it seems to effectively apply the information learned, it needs to fit into 9 ideas
  • if we focus on each idea each with its own 9 ideas, the core of the information is a magic matrix of 81 points; it’s silly to think all the mystery and greatness of the universe can fit into 81 points but I’d like to think the system of how to live and organize your life can be communicated in 81 points
  • to leave room for mystery and engraining in our mind, sub points can be 12 points – a balance of what can be controlled (by cognitively fitting in our mind) and what cannot be controlled (at least in part due to us not being fully able to cognitively fit it in to our mind)
  • I’ll use Dunbar’s number to limit the number of references I’ll list so you can be more effective at practicing what I give you.  Holiness is not about knowing everything in the encyclopedia, on some level it is about practicing core points well
  • Everything should fit on on page that isn’t too long; there can be links but it should not be more than 3 levels deep
  • Everything is a gift from God, I’ll use the format of the Trinity to “re-gift” God’s gift: Piety (Heart, recognizing Mystery and Beauty), Study (Mind, diving deeper into why), Action (Body, infusing both into something practical and can touch people)
  • For the most part, I’ll avoid mentioning too much of the wisdom I’ve learned (I have my own set of principles, collections of my personal experiences, quotes, lessons I’ve learned, etc).  These are very special to me and I don’t want it to take away from my capacity to be intimate with you.  (see 7 levels of intimacy).  Be with me in person and I can share this with you.  These nuggets of wisdom are for you to discover from the foundation I provide.  I don’t want to take away from the grace and God’s plan for you


 

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Mystery, Action, Legacy

By: enigma Date: November 4, 2011 Categories: Spiritual

This short speech of mine was part of a cursillo event I attended in support of a friend [this is actually an old draft, I’ll have to get the edited version up soon]:

To me Thomas’s witness is about to how cursillo deeply affected his life and continues to do so.  At the end of my cursillo retreat weekend, I remember we were all asked “what does cursillo mean to you?”  I remember answering that “I don’t really know, but it is my way of living out the second greatest commandment which is to love your neighbor as yourself”.  The ideal and first greatest commandment is to love God with all our heart, mind, soul, and all our strength which means to prefer nothing over God.  The closest we can be to perfection is always being one with the will of God – to be who God created us to be.  Cursillo reminded me that our purpose is to love God and reach heaven and because we were created to love, we all have the ability to reach heaven.  The way we achieve this is always being in the state of sanctifying grace though the sacraments especially confession and receiving the Eucharist.
Honestly I still don’t completely know the answer to what cursillo means to me or how cursillo has changed my life.  I think Cursillo in a way is an image of God like the Trinity is reflection of Piety, Study, and Action… God the Father most Holy, Jesus’s words of everlasting life, and the love of the Holy Spirit in action.  I could ask more generally, “how has God changed my life?”  I could say much but I’ll pick three points to echo Thomas and his dad –  Mystery, Action, Legacy:
1) Mystery.  Thomas’s dad said: “you don’t have to be a leader; you do what you do best.  however you will always have to be prepared because you will not know when the time will come where you will be called to be a leader”.  Trust is very important.  We have to remember that while cursillo is a good framework and method, we do not know everything; if we did, it would be like saying we know who God is.  It takes humility and trust for Thomas’s dad to answer to call to cursillo, same with Thomas and his mom.  I know in my life I’ve realized that humility is about the truth; if you ever want a challenge, ask God to let you see yourself as God sees you.
2) Action.  Thomas’s dad said: “follow [your] instincts and [your] conscience; follow what God wants us to do and don’t follow the way of the world”.  Thomas’s parents were not distracted and absorbed into the world like many parents today; Thomas’s dad gave him great advice and his mom practiced being an active cursillista for years before Thomas even realized what was going on. The phrase  “Faith is caught, not taught” means people see your actions and can often tell if you are a hypocrite, and they’re much less likely to believe in the Catholic faith if you are a bad example.  I’ve learned that action is prayer.  Words without action almost seems like a lie and not really humble.
3) Legacy.  Thomas’s dad said: “be happy with what you have in life; God has blessed us with so much good. Do not overlook the blessings you have”.  God bless my parents; I don’t blame them but I sometimes feel like I’m an orphan. But I’ve realized that God gave me Jesus and when I receive Him in my flesh and blood, He is my family, mysteriously, literally blood-related.  I’ve realized that God also gave us Mary as our mother and because Mary’s blood is in Jesus, I am her child.  I am very blessed.  We all are very blessed and I think it is strange that the more blessed we are it seems the more we take things for granted.  We need to be grateful to God and this is where we can find real peace and happiness.  The real orphans are those who do not know God as their father and Mary as their mother.
I challenge you to think for a moment: what is the greatest legacy you can give to the next generation?  What can you give that will last from generation to generation, even eternity?  Mystery.  Action.  Legacy.  The best inheritance I have found is gift of the love of God and the gift of the Catholic Faith to the next generation.  De Colores.
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Courageous Resolution

By: enigma Date: October 2, 2011 Categories: Carreer, Emotional, Family, Fatherhood, Financial, Intellectual, Physical, Social, Spiritual

Here’s a commitment I think all men should make; it’s from the Courageous movie:

“”

I DO and solemnly resolve before God to take full responsibility for myself, my wife, and my children.

I WILL love them, protect them, serve them, and teach them the Word of God as the spiritual leader of my home.

I WILL be faithful to my wife, to love and honor her, and be willing to lay down my life for her as Jesus Christ did for me.

I WILL bless my children and teach them to love God with all their hearts, all of their minds, and all of their strength.

I WILL train them to honor authority and live responsibly.

I WILL confront evil, pursue justice, and love mercy.

I WILL pray for others and treat them with kindness, respect and compassion.

I WILL work diligently to provide for the needs of my family.

I WILL forgive those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged.

I WILL learn from my mistakes, repent of my sins, and walk with integrity as a man answerable to God.

I WILL seek to honor God, be faithful to His church, obey His Word and do His will.

I WILL courageously work with the strength God provides to fulfill this resolution for the rest of my life and for His glory.

“”

(http://www.courageousthemovie.com/)

—

 

The resolution above says “I WILL”, but I would replace that with “I DO”.

Men, we don’t have to wait until we’re married to do this.

Start NOW and become the strong men that our families need us to be!

ALL men are called to be Fathers.  Our wife is the the woman God created for us or the Church who is one with Love.  Our children are the beautiful images of God that God creates with our participation or the beautiful images of God we adopt spiritually.

Guys, our goal is to be fathers.  When we order our lives with God in the highest place and take responsibility for ourselves and others we become men.  When we are fathers to ourselves and for others, we are men of honor.

Saint Joseph, PRAY FOR US!

 

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