Not qualified yet this is a duty of love

I don’t feel qualified to write this Life Manual.  For the past couple of years after realizing the only thing I can really control is my will, I’ve been wielding my will as much as possible to change my own life.  I re-questioned every aspect of my existence and very seriously refocused everything toward the greater glory of God.  It’s been so much a heart wrenching experience.  A soul is very much traumatized when he realizes he really never had any family [in the real understanding of the word] nor does he have friends that really understand him; love from a God is incomprehensible: how does one know the unconditional love of God when neither parent, nor God parent, no any father figure ever demonstrated this to their child?  It’s not a puzzle why morality among people in the world today is getting increasingly worse.  One reason is that people cling on a false identity because it feels safer even when it isn’t reasonable; if they chose something that was truly good for them it would feel like death because it would be the death of their perceived identity yet in actuality it would be closer to restoring their real identity of goodness just on the fact they were created in the image of God.  If a person is unconsciously in a false identity they are dependent [i.e. enslaved] to things that never satisfies and causes death.  One consolation is we are all broken in some way or another and God will help us when we ask; because He is a good father He wants the best for us and will not give us anything that is bad.  I can no longer live a false identity.  I must say, I do love you my family [my parents/brothers/sisters] yet I have to stand up for Truth and Love.    You are living a lie which is unhealthy for you and the children you’ve abandoned.  I’d like to say I don’t hold anything against you as intellectually I understand many things were not directly your fault; existing circumstances of war, emotional abuse, physical abuse, multi-generational addiction, multi-induced trauma, cultural vices, and/or plain evil as committed by our ancestors caused these consequences of sin.  I can legitimately blame my parents, my ancestors and/or the entire world, yet I choose to stop all this stupid shit as it does no good to anybody; I choose to take responsibility of myself because the world needs me.  I don’t feel like anybody needs me but I look for opportunities for others to accept my gifts of love (I wait for people who are deserving who don’t suck me dry yet God does not wait until people are deserving; I’m supposed to love as God loves yet I know I can’t always expend my love and energy on everyone equally as it seems better to spend quality time with some people than to divide my time thinly among a lot of people; perhaps this is a weakness of mine yet I’ll yield in certain circumstances).  I believe God is preparing me for something big; even though I can have problems trusting Him, God must trust me because He’s helped me survive this far in truth.  I have a lot to learn and desire to be much more; I recognize my weaknesses yet I’ll continue to write this Life Manual out of duty.  Perhaps all this suffering or maybe the mere action of duty qualifies as love.  I’m trying, but I hate just merely trying; I want to actually be making a good difference.  Is it bad for me to see the fruit of my labor or is that maybe the point – I’m still on some level trying to do everything myself, trying to earn the love of God and unable to receive it?  I’m nothing.  I feel that it is In vain that I labor because maybe I’m not with God.  I am sorry I’m beating myself over this; I have the bad tendency to take on more responsibility that what is mine; it’s not good for you nor me.  I am not nothing as I am a father to you.  Forgive me as I try to learn how to be a good father when worldly examples fail.  I can’t promise to be the best father (go to God in the Catholic Church for that) but I’ll promise I’ll never give up.  I never knew my grandfather and they didn’t pass on an inheritance to me so I’m writing this Life Manual for you.  Dear future wife, if you exist, pray for me as I want to be more for you, for God.  I feel like almost the entire world is against me yet I’m content on some level as I know I’m doing the right thing.  I’m learning to put more love in the unrelenting suffering without feeling any consolation; trials are a blessing though it hurts!  God help us.  Mother Mary, protect and embrace us.  St Joseph, I trust in your intercession.

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